The 50 States' Benefit
by Operas'n'Cartoons1883
Summary: Based on the 1934 Mickey Mouse cartoon "Orphan's Benefit," an ensemble performance emceed by Alfred F. Jones includes piano playing, an adagio dance, an operatic number, and numerous attempts by Arthur Kirkland to recite "Little Boy Blue."


The 50 States' Benefit

The big day had arrived. It was time that America and his friends held a stage show for his children, the 50 states.

These fifty boys and girls eagerly marched into the opera house that was being used for the show and made a dash for their seats.

Finally the children all cheered as, from behind the curtain, out came their father Alfred F. Jones (America) and his father Arthur Kirkland (Britain), who bumped into the former.

As Arthur got up, Alfred announced, "Introducing Grandpa Britain reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'." Then Arthur took out a book, looking for the rhyme.

"Dad, Mary had…" the American reminded his British dad.

"Oh, all right!" asserted Arthur, and he spoke this simple rhyme:

"Mary had a little lamb,

Its fleece was white as snow,

And everywhere that Mary went

The lamb was sure to go."

Once Arthur had finished his rhyme, his fifty grandchildren all cheered for him, and he started dancing to Handel's Hornpipe.

Then Alfred joined his fifty children in applauding Arthur and said to the Brit, "That's it, Dad. Now recite 'Little Boy Blue'."

"All right, son," responded the old Brit, "all right." And he recited thus: "Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn." Just then, a boy named Randy H. Jones (Texas) blew his nose, because he had the sniffles.

Needless to say, this really annoyed his British grandfather, who ranted, "Who did that?! What's the big idea?! I say! Ugly behaviour of a gentleman!" And he started to swear at his poor Texan grandson. Finally, Alfred hushed his father, telling him, "Dad, behave yourself. Now go on."

"Oh," the British grandfather huffed, "all right, son. All right." And he tried to recite again, "Little boy blue, come blow your horn." Presently, Anthony B. Jones (New York) and Natalie J. Jones (California), both of whom also had the sniffles, joined their brother in blowing their noses.

This annoyed their British grandfather even more, and he continue to spit out obscenities until Alfred came and dragged him offstage.

Just as the states were laughing at their grandfather's departure, the curtain rose to reveal an Austrian man in a caveman's cloth, a Hungarian woman in a tutu, and an albino Prussian in a caveman's cloth. It was Roderich Edelstein, Elizabeth Hedervary, and Gilbert Beilschmidt. The fifty states cheered as the threesome approached them, Roderich and Gilbert raising Elizabeth up to their shoulders.

Then, Roderich and Gilbert threw Elizabeth up into the air and split up as she fell to the stage.

After Elizabeth had gotten herself up, she danced to the light, airy music, skipping over to Gilbert. Gilbert tried to grab Elizabeth, but she politely refused his advances and started skipping over to Roderich, tripping only once before she came to the Austrian.

Once she refused his advances, Roderich decided to grab Elizabeth and swing her around. In the meantime, Gilbert saw his big chance. Roderich then tossed the Hungarian over to Gilbert, who caught her, got twisted up like a pretzel and fell to his stomach, with Elizabeth on top of him.

The Prussian then lifted himself while Elizabeth was sitting on his bottom. He had trouble looking for her at first, but finally, he spotted her by turning his head. Gilbert then thrust the Hungarian woman up into the air, grabbed her by the hands, and lifted her up. But then Elizabeth fell onto Gilbert, causing his head to fall underneath his shirt. Gilbert couldn't see what he was touching, so again he had trouble finding the Hungarian woman until he caught her by the back of her dress. Gilbert then swung her around and blindly threw her over to Roderich, who caught her with a single finger.

Finally, Gilbert thrust his head out from his shirt and watched as Roderich again swung Elizabeth around and again shot her over to him. But this time, Gilbert accidentally pulled the Hungarian woman's tutu off. Now a really angry Elizabeth in her undergarments took the tutu from Gilbert and hit him with her frying pan as the curtain fell.

The fifty states all laughed and cheered as their Grandpa Arthur reentered stage right and again tried to recite his poem: "Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn."

At that moment, he pulled out a horn and tooted it. Then he laughed about it.

Presently, Anthony, who didn't like how his British grandfather was being mean to them, bit the end of his ice cream cone and shot it at him.

Arthur then angrily wiped the ice cream off his face. "Little brats, they are!" he said to himself, and he began to swear furiously at his grandchildren.

Then Michael B. Jones (New Jersey), who hated how his British grandfather was swearing at him and his forty-nine brothers and sisters, took out a boxing glove tied to an extending arm and hit the old Brit repeatedly.

Meanwhile, Claire F. Jones (Georgia) took a bow and arrow and her younger sister Jessica R. Jones (Florida) tied a boxing glove to the arrow. Claire then shot it at Grandpa Arthur, and it hit him at the same time as Michael's own glove, leaving the old Brit punch-drunk as he was being pulled off-stage.

All at once, the fifty states laughed at this. Then their father came up and announced: "And now, introducing, the Italy brothers, your first cousins once removed, Veniziano and Romano!"

Just then, entering stage left, were the Vargas brothers, Feliciano (Veniziano) and Lovino (Romano), each brother carrying his sheet music and warming up their vocal chords as their cousin Alfred started playing his piano.

As Alfred started to play some music, Feliciano sang in his sweet tenor voice:

"_Io sperai che a me la vita_

_Tronca avesse il mio spavento,_

_Ma la morte non m'aita,_

_Vivo ancor per mio tormento."_

Then Lovino's baritone joined in:

**Lovino: **_"Come rosa inaridita,_

_Ella sta fra morte e vita,_

_Chi per lei non è commosso."_

**Feliciano:** _"Da' miei lumi cadde il velo,_

_Mi tradì la terra e il cielo!_

_Vorrei piangere, e non posso,_

_M'abbandona, m'abbandona_

_Il pianto ancor;"_

**Lovino:** _"Non posso,_

_Ha di tigre in petto il cor."_

Just then, a surprise guest showed up. It was Romulus Imperiosus (Ancient Rome), grandfather of Feliciano, Lovino, and Alfred, father of Arthur, and great-grandfather of the fifty states. As his fifty great-grandchildren cheered for him, he sang in his rich basso voice:

**Romulus: **_"Ah! È mio sangue,_

_L'ho tradita, ella sta fra morte e vita!"_

**Feliciano:** _"Terribile! Vorrei piangere!_

_Formar non so parole,_

_Ah, vorrei piangere e non posso,_

_M'abbandona il pianto ancor!_

_Il pianto ancor,_

_Il pianto…"_

Then the three Italian men's voices blended together, like so:

**Feliciano: **_"Ingrata, t'amo ancor!"_

**Lovino:**_ "Ah, spegner non li posso,"_

**Feliciano, Lovino, and Romulus:** _"Ancor!"_

After the music stopped, the fifty kids all cheered as their American father took a bow alongside their Italian cousins once removed and their Roman great-grandfather.

Then the four men left stage left, revealing an angry British grandpa Arthur holding a musket as if he were about to shoot the poor children. He then spoke, "Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn," as he checked for any naughty behavior. But as he looked around, the fifty kids were just innocently twiddling their thumbs.

When he saw that his grandchildren had calmed down, he tossed his musket aside. "There's no way I can shoot them," he thought, "I can't!" He laughed and recited:

"Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn.

The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn,

But where is the boy who looks after the sheep?"

Just then all fifty of his grandchildren shouted in unison, "UNDER THE HAYSTALK FAST ASLEEP, YOU OLD COOT!"

Now this really raised the old Brit's hackles, and he shouted, "THAT IS THE LAST STRAW!" And he started weaving a tapestry of obscenities which to this day still hangs over the opera house.

As Grandpa Arthur was swearing like a sailor, Madison W. Jones (Tennessee) was tying balloons to some bricks, while Austin J. Jones (Kentucky) was sending them flying over Arthur's head.

Then the Dakota twins, Brady A. Jones (North Dakota) and Wyatt A. Jones (South Dakota), used their slingshots to pop the balloons.

One by one, three bricks, a fire extinguisher, a spittoon, a house plant, and a carton full of eggs all fell on top of old Arthur Kirkland's head. And the kids laughed at it all.

Finally, Arthur Kirkland, with egg on his face (literally), admitted defeat by saying, "Ah, blimey!"

The End

In case you don't know, the tune that the Italy brothers were singing is the Sextet from Donizetti's opera _Lucia di Lammermoor_.

The states, America's sons and daughters, are all OCs.


End file.
